Except the one who was my friend,
Let those who never spoke to me
Judge themselves.
I have too much judgment for the rest of you.
Dear Consensus,
hypocrites and thieves,
Who stole my joy and mocked me,
You judged my faith and called me unholy.
To you I was wanting and unclean.
While you laid back in dark parks and crowded tents,
Said it was cold, and took another’s kiss.
Never gave a promise.
The sick leading the blind.
There is no righteousness in you,
Who are you before my God?
That God you dained to speak for
And took from me!
For years you hid Him in the arid,
Wind-scorched, tempest of your hostility.
Your animosity I can bear
But you stepped down from self-appointed thrones on high
To block the Sun and make me a double sinner
Under freezing rains of isolation and disapproval.
You said my Father didn’t love me.
Where were you when He picked me up and clothed me.
When He hid my naked wounds,
And cleaned my sore-soaked flesh?
When He gave me His robe
And bore the cold for me.
Did you hear my Father call me princess
When others told my mother not to bear me?
How dare you come between us
When before the world He knew my name
And it was Blessed.
I have too much judgment for you,
I could hate you for eternity,
It eats my sleep and chokes my heart,
It is the bile in my throat and my hardened sneer.
You are covered in shame like a whore in gaudy jewelry.
Selah.
Let me rest.
Let me find peace from you.
Relieve me of this burden.
Take this sad farce.
Bring me to calm waters and let me eat the fruit of forgiveness.
And forgetting.
This load has made me weary.
What should these people still be to me
But some for whom I give Your grace?
Let them go their way and I go mine.
And I go Yours. Take me with You.
Let us go together and leave behind all this hate
Into to glory of light.
Selah.
+++
I almost didn’t post this here. At first I was tempted to let myself rant to all the anonymous internet persons. Little girl has woken up every hour since midnight and I have been struggling with bad dreams anyway. Now I can’t sleep but I’m happy this happened. I’ve been needing for so long to get this off my chest. Not just to tell that proverbial someone but I have really needed to just lay this before God. You don’t have to believe in Him but maybe you can understand how much we hurt ourselves carrying around old wounds and grudges.
My heart has hurt for years being angry with about 30 people who absolutely abused me. I’ve tried to get over it, move on, forget, count my blessings, look on the bright side, and all those other trite treatises. I haven’t been ready to forgive. Maybe this night has simply been on God’s schedule for a while. This night He looked at His calendar and said, “Katie, it’s time.” He is such a good God.
I didn’t even mean to write this. I had totally meant this to be more of a, hey, I hate you because you were cruel to me and blah blah blah. This feels better though. My last poem was of the high-school-hormone-driven kind. However, I sat down to write and this came out of me. I’m glad my first poem in years is a psalm.
Can I tell you I’m crying? Big, cold, salty tears. It feels so cleansing. I do not forgive easily. I like to flatter myself that I do but I don’t. I hold grudges and I remember old injuries. I pray for myself that I can look on the past and see its beauty.
Some don’t believe in forgiveness. That it weakens them, makes them vulnerable. In a way this is true. But the hardness that comes from unforgiveness is like a brittle nail; it has all the appearance of strength but when it breaks it cuts you right to the nail bed. The way I was treated will always be on those people but it doesn’t have to be inside of me. I can be a better example for my daughter. I can wash out the darkness in my heart and fill it with twice as much light. And the more light that is in me, the more I can pour into her. I shouldn’t let old, bad relationships taint this new and perfect one. I won’t make her watch me drag hurt feelings like a broken leg.
Maybe now I can sleep.
more than mommy 