I swear, my daughter lays in bed at night and with a sigh thinks to herself, “I’ve already woken up four times in the past hour. I’ve had my bottle plus that extra one I demand after midnight and I’ve peed twelve times. I’m in my micro-fleece jammies that are much nicer than any of my mommy’s jammies… but something is missing. Should I kick askew my singing mobile? Or, perhaps, try and get my legs caught between the bars of my crib? Maybe I’ll throw around my covers and tangle them in a heap trapping myself in a small corner of my bed…” Waaaaaaaaah!!!!!!! Waaaaaaaah!!!
Not dogs barking, truck engines revving, or even our loud-footed neighbor can wake my sleeping babe. Not but the faint rustle of peaceful sleep drifting lazily from her mother’s bedroom will cause my wonderful infant to stir. After I’ve changed her, rocked her, fed her, changed her again, and gently tucked her back in I silently creep to my own room to watch the monitor for signs of rebellion. She’s as quiet as a church mouse and it isn’t until she senses the sweet comfort of sleep slowly rolling over me that she begins beating her fat little legs against the wall in protest.
I used to get over sickness so quickly; 24 hours tops and I was cured! Now, catching a cold is like… is like having a baby! It just never goes away. This one started as a sore throat, progressed to a fever, downgraded to nasal drip, threatened a sinus infection, and is now a chest clenching cough that has left me literally speechless! I’m supposed to teach a class in a few days and my voice has improved slightly from death rattle to chain smoker. Meanwhile I am leaving a trail of tissues like a self-conscious slug. Women! Do not breastfeed your babies; it’s how they suck away all your life force.
She only does this when her father is working back to back shifts. She can feel a change in the force and strikes out against the un-unified parental guard. This time I won’t head her wailing though! There is absolutely nothing that baby wants for. She is living high on the hog with her fresh, second bottle, hundredth new diaper, and heaps of loving cuddles. It isn’t like it matters anymore, though, as I’ve spent so much time getting up for her that my rhythm is completely thrown off and I’m not tired anymore.
Is there some strange alchemy going on in my house at night? Some law of equivalent exchange that makes it impossible for her to sleep unless I give my sleep? You win this round, Brat.
(P.S If you are a parent and can unashamedly understand/appreciate the references made in this post then we might be best friends!)