It is, of course, only after I pronounce my decree to, “damn internet prowess,” and , “write whatever I want,” that all I find myself wanting to write about is motherhood and my experience of it. Pfft. I’m letting myself believe it’s because I’ve been sick the past week and therefore holed-up in my house with everyday life humming around me without distraction. In reality it’s also in part due to this shift that happened to me. I shiftily shifted. Like a teetering Jenga tower all my blocks got poked and quite a few were shuffled right out of place. I can’t help but think about my baby all the time and gaze into our future at what I hope for all of us.
But today isn’t about hope… well it sort of is but not the fluffy, hopeful kind. It’s about this strange, absent-minded, anxiety-light (light like, light-beer light). To get right to the point, because that’s what I do (and, fair warning, this is sort of a girl-thing post), I’m late. I am so bad at keeping track of my exact days that I don’t know how late but I can say that I was expecting a certain Aunt and she hasn’t shown yet.
I am sooo not ready for this time-of-the-month mischief! I was clinging desperately to the dizzy day-dream of being one of those blessed few who nurse the first year and NEVER see a period! Once little girl was introduced to food, however, boobies got relocated to nap time only and at nine months they are a sometimes-in-the-middle-of-the-night-nostalgia-nursing. By her orders of course. So 7 or 8 months rolled around and hello! I hate you!
I’ve been reminding myself that my dear Flo has never been a punctual or dependable visitor. If I coughed, sneezed, or crossed my eyes she might not show. And I have been sick this week… I’m just not ready to have another baby. Can someone else who has quite recently squeezed out another human being back me up? Nine months is not a long enough time! I want more time to savor the baby I have now… and the tattered threads of sanity I’ve managed to dig out of the dusty back corner of my mind they were ruthlessly shoved into.
I keep trying to picture myself holding a positive pee stick so I can evaluate what emotions I might have. Number one is fear. Fear about how much harder it will be to raise a newborn while I still have a very dependent baby. Fear that dear husband will be too afraid to be happy. Fear that we won’t be able to achieve our short-term goal of saving to buy a house for safer, happier, healthier life for this baby and our future ones. Disbelief is a close second. I don’t feel pregnant therefore I’m not pregnant – that’s how that works, right? Doubt. Will I be able to be happy about and love this baby as much as I should with all these other emotions boiling inside me? Guilt because I am still so attached to Autumn that loving another baby feels like I’m cheating on her. Shame for having these negative emotions because it isn’t my hypothetical baby’s fault mommy and daddy can’t keep it in their pants. Shame, because I would never want my baby to know I ever even entertained these feelings because in my heart of hearts I love, love, LOVE my perfect baby. Lastly, confusion, because I will have no idea what is coming next.
I hope I’m not pregnant. I want another baby but not right now. We have finally achieved a normalcy in our new family and it took many, many, many brain cells to get here. I don’t know if I have enough left to do it all over again so soon.
Ok. Let’s visual that stick again. Positive… Sad. I feel sadness. I feel like I don’t want anything to come between Autumn and I. I know it’s silly. Pregnancy and giving birth only work to make your heart bigger. The space I don’t have right now might even burst out of me and splatter all over the bathroom if I were to hold an actual positive test.
Maybe it’s only the hypothetical baby that scares me. If he were a reality, nothing could induce me not to want him. I know from loving Autumn and the change it’s wrought in me that I will always love and have my babies. Perhaps these are just the tired, midnight ramblings of someone who needed a shoulder to whine on. In any case, thanks for being here and sharing this with me, as always.